Today was my fourth therapy session and it seemed like the hardest. I have been kind of proud of myself this week as until today I hadn’t carried. But as soon as I walk into that room, I just can’t stop. My therapist did say that I worked really hard today and she got a lot of information, as I stayed with the heartbreak rather than avoiding it. There were a few things today that I said that even shocked me though. Where I have always put others before me, and my natural reaction is to want to fix problems for my loved ones, and push myself to the back of the line so to speak. Today around half way through therapy I even scared myself! When asked if I was wanting to ‘get better’ for myself, I replied “no it is because I don’t want others to worry about me and so we can be normal. I don’t care about myself and me being better for me” This has totally scared the hell out of me, that I don’t care about myself.
I am trying to take each day at a time but it is so hard to stop my anxiety and depression taking over. It is so hard for me to even get up and face the day. It takes me all my fight to just go to the toilet! Something that is so basic that we take for granted. I am so exhausted by putting on a brave face and trying to be brave for my lived ones. It is just tiring to try and not show how much I am affected, but I’m still not getting anywhere. I am still sad, anxious, feel alone, down, exhausted and many other things too. Sometimes I just wonder why do I bother to fight this? Why do I try to be brave? If it wasn’t for my closest loved ones I wouldn’t bother. I just don’t want to hurt them so I try so hard. And it is just so exhausting!